So tomorrow, here in Ireland and the UK, it is Father’s Day, the day when dad’s receive just what they’ve always wanted: a novelty mug and/or socks. Now I personally think that dads can get a lot of flak so I think that it’s only right that this day was created to compliment Mother’s Day. You see the general consensus of opinion is that the mother is the most important parent, and I agree with this to a certain extent. The bond between a mother and her child is extremely strong because of the nine months in utero, because they tend to be the nurturing parent and more present, and because – and I realise I’m making broad statements here – the majority of mother’s stay at home with their children while the father’s go off to work in order to provide and support the family. Unless you’ve been a stay-at-home mum you won’t know how huge and difficult a role this is, and unless you’ve chosen to work and leave your child with a family member or at a creche, you won’t know the guilt. With dads we take it for granted that they won’t be there full-time, that they’re ok with that, with the missing out of milestones and with the possibility of not forging a strong bond with their children. We tend to forget that they might not be happy with this traditional role – father as provider and rule maker while the mother is the nurturer. Worse, there are some who criticize the working dad who when he is at home showers his offspring with love and attention – how dare he swoop in and be so calm, why does he get praise for part-time parenting when I do it 24/7? You know the kind of thing. I mean, would they really prefer a father who ignored their kid? I do get it though. It’s hard to be calm and sane and in control as a stay at home mum, far easier to have that mindset when you get breaks – even if that break is a job.
Of course there is no such thing as a perfect parent, whether mother or father. The only thing a new parent knows about the role is what they experienced as children themselves with their own mum and dad, and so they either mimic that or do the complete opposite – one would hope – if they had an awful childhood. Parenting does not come with an instruction manual more’s the pity, it’s something you have to learn on the job. And as far as learning on the job goes that isn’t that easy because what works with one child won’t necessarily work with their sibling. Parenting is about trial and error. I was lucky, I had great parents – not perfect, but I have no complaints. Dad was hands on even though he worked fulltime and I have lots of wonderful childhood memories spent with him: flying angels to the library, learning the names of flowers as I helped him in the garden, yomps in the woods, playing cowboys and Indians, bedtime stories. He gave me a love of literature and art and his warped sense of humour, he gave – gives – me support and encouragement. I could go on and on. My dad was and is there for me. Always. I would be lost without him. Even if he is a grumpy old sod (a trait I have inherited, thanks dad). But my dad always said he learnt on the job as regards parenting, and I think this applies to all parents. You get better at it as you go along, which is why, in my humble opinion, I think the youngest child always seems to be the spoilt one. It’s not that they have been spoilt, it’s just that parents have learnt more by then, have seen the errors made before and can adjust. Great if you’re the youngest child, not so great for those who came before you.
Me and Dad
Of course not every father is a good one, just as not every mother is, and some people should not be allowed to look after a goldfish never mind a child. Unfortunately there are quite a few of these parents out there. But let’s focus on the positive and get back to dads: they play just as important a role as mother’s do. That role may be different to their spouses and other fathers, but important nonetheless. So to all you dads out there, biological dads and step dads, fulltime or part-time, foster dads and gay dads; you play a unique and important role in the life of your child and you are doing a great job. Happy Father’s Day!
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